dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
