I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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