dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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