She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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