I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
