I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
