Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
