yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
