Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
