guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
