I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Success! We fucked roommates!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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