He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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