I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
