I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
