My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
