Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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