Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
