She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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