my phone needs a breathalizer
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
