I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
