If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
