I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
