I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
