Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
