Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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