I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
