Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
