You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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