and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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