I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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