The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
