If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
