im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
