my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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