this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
