can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
