Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
