Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
