They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
