Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
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there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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