Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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