I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
