My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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