dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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