I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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