Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
