you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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