I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
