Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
