listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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