i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
