I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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