your parents love me but you hate me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
