I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
