I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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