I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
