He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
