I want to stick my p in your. b.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
