My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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